Why I Couldn’t Manifest Success On YouTube

Photo by Christian Wiediger on Unsplash

My first ever video appeared online in 2016. I hadn’t given much thought to why or what I’d do. I’d been watching YouTubers share their lives for several years and found them amazing. Amazing, yet ordinary. All they’d do was share their purchases, their homes and lives. Surely I could do the same right? I’m entertaining enough. I’m funny. I’m that ordinary girl. And thus without a strategy, plan or knowledge, I posted my first video.

I promoted via Instagram, Facebook and my blog. A blog which was fairly well read in my native country, an Instagram account with a decent amount of followers and a Facebook page which for that time was pretty much alive. My video did 2,2K views over 4years. After two videos I moved my video making to Facebook because videos got more traction there.

As Facebook slowly died out, I decided to once more try my luck on YouTube. Aspiring to be up there with the big influencers, I made a few lifestyle and health related videos, which didn’t do very well. I just left them to accumulate whatever views they could. Like with roulette I closed my eyes and hoped for the best. Not much happened. The drive to make content slowly deteriorated and, because of my perfectionism, I made more video’s that would never see YouTube’s Creator Studio than video’s that would.

Simultaneously, I became very much into manifesting, journaling and other inspirational ‘you-got-this’ selfhelp material. So much so that I thought I could nail this thing called YouTube by manifesting it into existence. As long as I wanted it bad enough and felt good about it, I would be able to see my success. I would be successful. If the universe was on my side, I could do it. Because, as many guru’s will have you believe, you can do anything you want and you don’t even have to work for it. Just jot it down in a notebook once a day, recite it strongly and feel good. Look, it worked for many people so why not for you?!

Now don’t get me wrong, manifesting is the absolute bomb, I use it all the time and it works! Take my dog for example. My husband hates dogs, he’s not an animal person at all. For 8 years I’ve pestered him about a dog, begging him to agree, which he would not. Not for the life of him did he want a dog. But I wanted it so fiercely, so deeply, so immensely, that I manifested a different reply from him. And one good day, we’re not even sure how it happened or why, he said ‘fine get the dog, as long as I don’t have to care for it.’ I see my dog as the ultimate example of how strong desire and manifestation can be.

But it only works with things you really want. Things you really set your mind to. Sometimes we tend to fool ourselves into wanting things that we actually don’t want at all.

I was never meant to be a YouTube success

I really wanted the life of an influencer because it seemed easy. An easy way out of my own boring, basic existence. I wanted to post something and make money off it. It sounded easy. Get in front of a camera and go. That way I wouldn’t have to deal with a job and coworkers I don’t always get along with. There would be no wondering about money ever again. I’d have the newest things and would be gifted so many wonderful stuff. I’d be happy forever and would flee from the things in life I needed to work on.

I needed to work on myself. Needed to learn essential skills, such as dealing with emotions, dealing with stress, conflict and social situations. Deal with loss of control, vulnerability, injustice, the transience of life and being powerless a lot of the time. The work I needed was not a job telling other people what I bought. The work I needed was an inside job.

But even within the process of sorting myself out as a human being in this world, the dream of being an influencer didn’t let me go.

Until one day I did.

Getting to know myself meant knowing that I don’t really handle criticism well. I get insecure about myself. I’m a perfectionist with the bar so high, it’s not even visible anymore. I think angels in heaven use my bar as a net for cloud-volleyball. I’m an introvert who likes to read, do puzzles, write and solve a rubik’s cube. I like hanging on the couch with my dog. I like being with my kids and reading to them. What I don’t like is pressure to perform. Pressure to make things perfect. 100k people watching over my shoulder. No wonder 20 of my video’s never made it to YouTube, they were good, but to me good is not acceptable. I would work 24/7 as a creator and it would most likely drain me.

Of course, following the teachings of manifesting, my inner being already knew this about me. It knew I didn’t want to be an influencer. And so my endless manifesting, journaling and visualizing never helped. I would never have manifested a career as a YouTuber because I never really wanted a career like that.

Along the way, I did figure Youtube out

Funny thing is, in a way the manifestation did come true. Because in the years between 2018 and now, I managed to help other channels grow significantly. With one channel reaching 1000 subscribers in little over 6 months and reaching the monetization threshold in 9 months. I know how to manipulate the algorithm, create enticing headlines and have high performing thumbnails every time. The only difference with my initial wish being that I am not the one in front of the camera. Now, I am the one behind the scenes calling the shots.

And boy does that feel good.

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Alyssa

33 y/o writing about Digital Marketing, Psychology and Sociology. Likes to reflect on herself more than she should.